Juggling rugby with relationships

[Pablo]

Ok, so how do you all get on with balancing your relationships against rugby? The reason I ask is because this morning, the girlfriend (with whom I live) threw a strop at me for spending both days this weekend refereeing.

Some background: we both have busy jobs (I'm a management consultant, she's a corporate solicitor), mine frequently requires me to travel (Athens and Paris last week, Warsaw and Basel a fortnight ago). So our weekends are pretty much our only quality time together. But equally, I'm being pushed by my Society for promotion to Fed and Group.

Given that this girl's a keeper, my question is - how have others combined the professional, personal and rugby components of their lives? Is it possible to have a successful professional career, a high-flying refereeing career and a satisfied other half? Or should I stop kidding myself and remove myself from the running for a Group spot (because, as much as I would like to succeed in rugby, a) it doesn't pay the mortgage and b) I don't want to marry it)?

All advice gratefully received.

 

[Deeps]

Ah, the eternal question. If I knew the answer to that one I would be rich. I am afraid my good lady has just become resigned to the fact that I am out on Saturdays and Sundays.

It all started when the kids were little; dad helped out on the touchline, showed too much interest, was persuaded to take a couple of coaching courses, managed a couple of age groups, then a referees course, joined the Society and here we are... Between 60 and 70 games per season, National School Sevens coming up, Emerging Schools to follow.

I tell her that it keeps me fit, gives me a wonderful management challenge, that without me 30 fellows really would be disappointed. It's a great hobby that costs me very little except in time. You could try comparing the cost say with Golf perhaps and show the financial benefits.

KML1 is the chap to ask as he is where you are aiming at. Best of luck with the 'keeper'; you could try being all miserable e.g. cry occasionally at the thought of giving it up?

 

[Dickie E]

is your avatar a photo of her?

my tip: get her pregnant. Then she'll be too busy skiting to friends & family to pester you (warning - this tactic is short lived. Works for no more than 9 months so enjoy while you can). :bday:

 

[Simon Thomas]

Pablo

Family, work, then rugby in that order. We all hear about the work-life balance, well we have work-life-rugby balance !

Also at your age you have enough pressure with career anyway and (as I well know lots of foreign travel). Now add your relationship and possible long term committment. That's more than enough for most people. Now add on top of that the commitments needed to get higher in reffing - and you aren't even on Group yet.

On Group you will be expected to give 100% (I have two guys on South West Group and know what they have to commit to for match day travel, fitness training, meetings, phone conferences, etc). Federation is a lower level of commitment than Group. All my guys have work-rugby conflicts on Group and Federation - three are teachers (and need weekend for marking and prep, let alone personal lives) and the fourth is an officer in Armed Forces and had a major commitment (based in UK) which mentally diverted him from refffing recently.

Pre-marriage & any kids it depends on you & your partner, what you both want from your lives etc and how you are developing your relationship. As a management consultant you can do the goals and objectives analysis, the SWOT, etc. When you get married the dynamics change, and when you have kids it totally changes.

some women are happy to be rugby, golf, sports car etc 'widows', others join in and get involved with the rugby too, and then there are independent ladies who expect you to meet them half way (or even further).

i know some guys who have sacrificed their marriage (not just relationship) for rugby (playing, coaching and in one case officialting), or used rugby as the excuse to get out of a relationship that wasn't working.

I can understand your situation as I had the same 30 years ago (as a player) - and it is one reason (career was another, and main one was I wasn't good enough !)) I moved from Quins to Esher to cut down on training nights (I did athletics all summer too all over the country - how did Mrs T put up with it ?).

When the kids came along I still played every weekend and went on tours (until I was 40 !). And then I started reffing (twice a weekend usually) and then took on Committee roles too for last 5 years.

Mrs T is very understanding and puts up with it mostly, but it has cost me a small fortune in her and my daughters' equine pursuits over the last 10 years. When she does insist I have week off, I do so immediately, and if necessary cancelling a Group Assessment Appointment (as I did this last weekend on Saturday when I was meant to go to Exeter - 200 mile trip) which may affect my selection for a permanent Group Assessors place and possible National Panel Match Observer's role in the future.

 

[Emmet Murphy]

...you could try being all miserable e.g. cry occasionally at the thought of giving it up?

Are you speaking from experience there Deeps?

 

[dave_clark]

do you *have* to ref on both Saturday and Sunday? clearly if you've got a long exchange trip you may need to be away for both days, but if it's a relatively local trip you should still have Sundays free (unless a really juicy colts or county game

i guess another question is what's more important to you - work or rugby? which do you want to really push yourself in? it's not as simple as saying that rugby doesn't pay the bills so you have to give everything to work - my mortgage gets well covered and i don't push myself overly hard at work.

unless of course your ultimate aim is to chase the almighty dollar, make it to the very top at work and have a big house, huge bank balance and high blood pressure, in which case it's probably best to stick to being a safe pair of hands at level 7 or thereabouts (which isn't too shabby in itself).

personally, how i manage it is that i don't get on with my mrs so it's quite easy

 

[Deeps]

Are you speaking from experience there Deeps?

Well no but all tactics need to be considered, after all, a man has to do what a man has to do. :wink:

 

[Dixie]

Pablo, I suspect this may actually be wider than just rugby. I took up the whistle after Her Indoors objected to the commitment of belonging to an international competition-standard choir. Before that, I used to be a churchwarden - she objected to the time spent on church business. She now objects to rugby (though with more reason - I also coach my son's side, so am gone Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning).

There are two issues to be addressed in my relationship - my need for something outside of the marriage that is not "work" (which I hate); and her insecurities which force her to try to keep me firmly in view at all times. We have battled with these issues for 20 years, and they are no nearer a solution now than when we started. perhaps we have never been right for each other - but if so, surely we'd not have lasted 20 years in the face of this apparent incompatibility.

My point is that this may not be a question of you giving up a day's rugby and all being well. This could be an indicator of an underlying, fundamental pattern of your life with this lady. If she can share in your rugby, life would be great. To compensate, you'll need to share in a hobby of hers. But I wouldn't be surprised to hear she doesn't have one - being a corporate solicitor, and a female one at that, tends to take up a disproportionate amount of time before the kids arrive on the scene to restore a sense of proportion in our lives.

I'd ignore this drivel if I were you. It's all your fault for asking complex questions.

 

[SimonSmith]

I got divorced

I don't know that there is a 'right' answer, and suspect that the wordly Mr Thomas' answer may be wisest.

From a personal perspective, I think it's all about the give and take that takes place in every relationship. What would be OK one weekend may not work the next....

And I think the prioritization that ST outlined can be flexed as well according to where you are in a relationship, career etc.

If my (hypothetical) girlfriend of two weeks complains about the rugby time, then that relationship is not long for this world. If my (hypothetical) girlfriend of three years says something, it may be time to sit down and think.

YMMV.

 

[PaulDG]

Given that this girl's a keeper, my question is - how have others combined the professional, personal and rugby components of their lives? Is it possible to have a successful professional career, a high-flying refereeing career and a satisfied other half?

I think it's very much "pick any two".

Wayne Barnes has famously had to put his "proper" career on hold for a while.

 

[Phil E]

All things in moderation

 

[OB..]

All things in moderation

Yes indeed.

Μηδὲν ἄγαν
Γνῶθι σεαυτόν

Talk it through.

 

[Lee Lifeson-Peart]

Given that this girl's a keeper,

Isn't she off playing in goal anyway - so what's the problem?

If it's a problem now it won't go away or get easier if/when you have kids.
I managed to keep playing 'til 35 when #1 son started playing football
He would train sat a.m. we would come in and out I'd go. Back at 6 7 8 ???

He played on Sunday so that was the whole weekend sorted. I stopped playing so we (me and wife and kids) had Saturday afternoon together. We then watched #1 son playing football and #2 playing rugby (one each swap the next week) on sunday. #1 son decided at 12 he wanted to play rugby so he starts at a different club to #2 son!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I start helping to coach #1 son and the refereeing and the rest is history. #1 is 18 next week and plays in the first team (I alternate watching him and referee saturdays) and #2 is fifteen and plays on a sunday (I referee and watch him whenever it suits). My wife watches them both when she wants to and sees me if/when I'm there.

I have neither a high powered job nor wife and I find it hard - so good luck.

I can see the advantages of being Nigel Owens!!!!:biggrin:

 

[tim White]

In life 'GoalPosts' move, deal with the important ones now. You are the judge of 'important'.

 

[tim White]

is your avatar a photo of her?QUOTE]

Is this not the Moody Avril Levine?

 

[OB..]

I have neither a high powered job nor wife and I find it hard - so good luck.

That is either prescience or a transferred epithet

 

[Phil E]

That is either prescience or a transferred epithet

If she has a transferred epithet I would dump her!!:biggrin:

 

[Lee Lifeson-Peart]

That is either prescience or a transferred epithet

Dear Mr O.B..

I'm sure it is - what do you mean?

Yours sincerely

Mr English O Level Grade B 1979 Joint Matriculation Board

 

[OB..]

Dear Mr O.B..

I'm sure it is - what do you mean?

Yours sincerely

Mr English O Level Grade B 1979 Joint Matriculation Board

It reads as if you do not have a wife (prescience?!), but I presume you really mean you do not have a high powered wife (transferred epithet, or zeugma, or syllepsis – take your pick).

 

[Dixie]

Yes indeed.... Talk it through.

Gosh - we have such different experiences of marriage