How not to take it personally?

[Chickref]

Schools rugby starts tomorrow, and I keep thinking back to my car-crash game last season.

Schoolgirls rugby (trust me, they're worse than the boys). Half time, and it was going like a dream. Great skills, great temperament, few penalties... I went and congratulated the teams and told them to keep it up.

Second half, it fell to pieces. It was being played at a neutral venue (girls schools have soccer pitches, not rugby ones) and the blue supporters showed up. Blue was losing, just, and the supporters basically started hurling abuse at the red team and me. This got the coach into the act, and the blue team started to get undisciplined and violent. I called the captains to me and tried to talk, blue captain wouldn't shut up, so I marched blue ten metres for for dissent. The blue captain then responded with "Oh **** off!", I gave her a YC, and it was all on. Ended five minutes early in a brawl after which I was abused by both captains, the blue coach, the manager, and told repeatedly to "stick to netball".

Worst bit? I cried. I'm a crier - I cry at everything (sad commercials, mean people, loud noises...) But walking off the pitch trying to look staunch is not easy when you're sobbing your guts out. Which I was at that point. There were no changing sheds to go into, nowhere to hide. I walked halfway into town still wearing my boots.

I definitely had one of those "I don't want to do this anymore" moments. I gave up time and money to be abused and humiliated. I got over it in the next few days, but it still hits me hard. I didn't write the official complaint form, I wrote a letter to college sport and the WRRA telling them what had happened, how it made me feel.

So how do other refs not take abuse personally? Especially for the younger refs, if it's being dished out by authority figures like teachers? (at 19, a year out of school, a teacher was very much an authority figure.)

 

[Taff]

... Worst bit? I cried. I'm a crier - I cry at everything (sad commercials, mean people, loud noises...) But walking off the pitch trying to look staunch is not easy when you're sobbing your guts out.

I agree there's nothing authoritative about someone with tears in their eyes and a faceful of snot, but if it's of any comfort you're not the first and you won't be the last.

I didn't cry in my car-crash, but I was in complete shock - it knocked me for 6 and nothing had prepared me for it. :wow: I have read of some new refs who have broken down under the pressure - and can easily believe it.

The best advice I've heard is

• remember that players / spectators are criticising / shouting at the jersey - not you personally and
• a lot of stuff is said in the heat of the moment - Most people wouldn't dream of talking to you in such a manner if they were in a relaxed environment. I get clients who lose their rag with me in my job regularly - but I honestly reckon that 8 out of every 10 ring back to apologise within days. I bet that most who gave you grief that day would apologise if they saw you days later.

No doubt others will be along with far better advice in due course. :wink:

 

[Bryan]

Ah yes, female players. The best of them are compliant, but at the international level they are as mean as the men. Real...what was Telfer's line? "Bare Knuckle Stuff".

It sounds like you took the responsibility of the game on your shoulders. By "your shoulders" I dont just mean the referee, I mean "ChickRef, the girl from Wellington that also happens to referee rugby". Once you start taking the player-decisions personally (to the person behind the jersey), you become emotionally attached to the game. It's a force of habit; we all want the game to succeed (that's why most of us referee) and when it doesnt we can sometimes look to blame ourselves and shoulder responsibility.

Well, here's the shift: if you dont give a f**k about taking responsibility for the game and rather push the responsibility for compliance all onto the players, then you actually get a better game out of it. Yeah, manage and do what you have to do to promote continuity and allow a fair contest, but if these sloots dont comply, hammer them. No, dont go Ghengis Khan on them, just deliver the message and disengage them immediately. They will want to talk back, they will want to say "But sir" (yeah, they'll call you that by habit). "Not now Ke$ha, you've got 10 minutes of tik-tok to think that one over".

As for role models and their influence on the game; look at the teacher in a similar fashion that you need to shift your mindset on yourself: he/she is no longer a teacher, but rather a coach that's pissed off. F**K THEM. Not your problem. If they want to spew filth at you, they're doing it b/c they're idiots. The authority figure goes out the window.

I particularly enjoy the remarks about "switching to netball". I get that from some of the expats (see, when you dont talk like a Tier 1 Citizen, a lot of questions get raised about your actual refereeing ability) who think that whatever they were doing would be ok back home. That's b/c the referee back home is a blind f**k. You got me today. Unfortunately for you, I dont lower my standards to your bullsh!t, Dickbag.

 

[SimonSmith]

Bryan's right.

I don't have a better answer, because it's not anything I've particularly worried about. I've had car crash games, but I don't take it personally.

Be honest with yourself about what was good in your game and what wasn't. Take on board good criticism and ignore the rest.

 

[Dixie]

Chickref, I feel your pain. If it's any consolation, I'm sure we've all been there. I can differentiate games where I screwed up and games where I can't think what more I could have done to prevent the players from screwing up - but truth to tell, when you get the criticism it all feels personal. Remember that the abusers are out of order, and that on the day, the only opinion that matters is yours. If they've failed to adjust to your reffing, then that's their failure - not yours.

Having said that, never stop analysing what you could have done better. Below are some thoughts about what you've posted.

I went and congratulated the teams and told them to keep it up.

I wouldn't do this. If they ask whether you're happy, say yes. Otherwise, remain remote. I'm afraid that the referee needs a certain aloofness to do the job properly - though this has to be balanced by glimpses of humanity and empathy for what the players are trying to achieve. To congratulate them risks being seen as trying to be pally or condescending - neither is desirable.

Blue was losing, just, and the supporters basically started hurling abuse at the red team and me.

At this point, you've got a manageable spectator problem, and you can nip this in the bud. One of the sides at this neutral venue would be designated the home side - and grounds issues such as spectator management are their responsibility. At this point, you need to speak to one of the home team's coaches or managers to get them to exercise their responsibilities - I expect NZ has a code of conduct for the amateur game, but even if not, they should take responsibility for the ground - including opposition spectators.

This got the coach into the act

Partly due to your failure to nip it in the bud, your spectator problem has escalated - but to an individual over whom you now have control, so this is highly manageable. Players do take their cue from coaches, and when the coach misbehaves the players won't be far behind. At this point, you have a word with the coach, remind him/her of their responsibility to the game, and if push comes to shove you refuse to restart until they are away from the touchline and out of earshot.

The blue captain then responded with "Oh **** off!", I gave her a YC

for a clear and obvious red card offence. With a game getting out of hand, the gloves need to come off if you are to retain control. The :noyc: was a weak response and they sensed your discomfort and lack of control, losing confidence in you as the authority figure in the game, resulting in ...

Ended five minutes early in a brawl

Please understand that while it could have been handled differently, I don't see any of this as your fault. These games forge your character as a ref, and are invaluable in building up that bank of experience that will ensure you have fewer of them in future. One of these horrors is worth ten easy run-outs with few management challenges. The trick is to analyse hard, and then determine to ensure you deal differently the next time you see the danger signals on the horizon.

For me, one of the best bits of advice from this forum has been: while you try your hardest to smooth out the rough edges by your game management, sometimes you simply have to smite the b@stards. I think that may be copyright Bryan Arciero

 

[Chickref]

Saying congrats come in my usual "anything needs adressed, okay 3 minutes till end of half-time" bit. They'd said no issues, I'd said something like "well, it's a great game so far, keep it up" - this is mainly so I can get the time thing going (I say 3 minutes with 5 minutes to go) as we were running out of light.

I'm not sure who the Home team were, (red I'd assume) but spectator control at those kinds of games is near impossible. I knew I was under a time pressure to get the game done, and the spectators weren't at that stage causing a problem. Asshole spectators I've dealt with before. It was when the coach got in on the act that things went really downhill - I spoke to him, but he's got a reputation, and there was no way he was going to listen to me. I got him to calm down for a moment, but that was about it.

In retrospect I should have called the game there (about 10 minutes to play) because I wasn't able to take the time I needed to deal with the players. I had hoped the captains would listen, but they were taking the cue from the coach. I think the YC did come from my lack of control, and lack of time - Red wanted to take the penalty quickly, I wanted the blue captain out of my face, I grabbed the first card in my pocket knowing the end result would be the same.

I think what really rattled me was just how personal the abuse got after the game, and who it was from - the manager? An average social studies teacher who had been apologetic when her team had shown up late? (their school was a long way from the venue) Why was she swearing at me as I went to get the team card?

(Note - the coach was banned, the manager was banned, the captain was suspended and the school got "probation" - another bad report and they'd be dropped from the competition. The association stopped refereeing their games.)

 

[Robert Burns]

Glad to see the association backed you.

If you ever get one of these again make sure you have the phone number of your senior association officials in your phone and talk to them.

You'll be supported all the time, no matter if you were the worst ref in the world (we generally all have that title within the first 3 games of our refereeing career) that sort of abuse is not acceptable.

 

[Sphinx]

CR, don't use the retro-scope too much. Sounds like a nightmare, but the players' actions are their own responsibility, a ref can manage them but this should never be an excuse for the inexcusable.

Don't worry about the crying, this is a natural response for you to stress. but as you get more experience in this type of situation, the less you will respond in this manner.

(In psycho-babble you will mainly ref in your adult state, but under stress could switch to your child. More experience will mean you stay in the adult state) (Blame Eric Berne for the names)

Sounds like you have responded well and it always good to know of others in the Car Crash Club:hap:

 

[Davet]

On of the biggest problems you will face is gender, it is sad but true that in order to succeed in competition with men then women have to be 50% better, and the sisterhood is a myth when it comes to competitive sport.

Being young doesn't always help with becoming an authority figure yourself, either.

Try to rememeber you're not there to be their friend, and that like any other role where you are in charge a little distance needs to be maintained. Be busnesslike (not unfriendly but not trying to be matey) - be in cahrge from the outset - turn up smart and profesional looking, tell them what you want - this can be by asking questions "OK - need to check studs and talk to Captain, FR forwards, pack leader, 9 and 10 - can we set a time for that now, somewhere about 45 minutes before KO?" Then turn up at the agreedtime and don't let them keep you waiting... If they see you a in charge, professional, not unfriendly but not ingratiating, from the start then they will respond more readily to you on the pitch. At the first sign of dissent you need to nip in the bud - you can do that without drastic action use the authority you've built up from the start to take the offending playe and their Captain aside and gently pioint out what the consequences of continuing will be - Do NOT - EVER- lose your temper (easier said than done, I know, I've been there eyeball to steaming eyball with some stroppy sod who needs a good slapping - but it only ever makes things worse).

And take a leaf out of Tony Spreadbury's book - (Retired UK elite ref) always look as if you at least are enjoying yourself.

 

[niall murphy]

Hi Chickref, We've all had at least one like this, just check the older posts. Others have covered it all really well so I've nothing much to add except to say, learn from it and move on, the next one will be better. Tell yourself before going out that you're the ref, ergo in charge, and that you will have a good game. Best of luck and lets us know how the next one goes. N

 

[Agustin]

I also find it tough not to take it personally, although I have developed a bit of a thicker skin over time.

I've noticed that a common trend among referees that have made it far is a certain level of arrogance. (Not to say that all are, but I would say most.) It seems to be an effective mechanism for dealing with the constant criticism that comes from spectators, coaches, players, other similarly biased people, and some assessors.

Having said that, there is a small group of truly talented referees that are not arrogant but simply confident. These guys seem to get more "real" respect (as opposed to feigned respect born of fear) from players, etc.

How to build up confidence? I don't have the secret recipe but for me it's helped to listen to (almost) everyone and then decide whether the feedback has merit. Over time I've gotten better at quickly discerning whether the feedback has merit or not.

With that said, I am nowhere near a top-level referee, I still lack some confidence, and the abuse still gets to me sometimes. So I've a long way to go.

 

[Jacko]

Ah yes, female players. The best of them are compliant, but at the international level they are as mean as the men. Real...what was Telfer's line? "Bare Knuckle Stuff".

It sounds like you took the responsibility of the game on your shoulders. By "your shoulders" I dont just mean the referee, I mean "ChickRef, the girl from Wellington that also happens to referee rugby". Once you start taking the player-decisions personally (to the person behind the jersey), you become emotionally attached to the game. It's a force of habit; we all want the game to succeed (that's why most of us referee) and when it doesnt we can sometimes look to blame ourselves and shoulder responsibility.

Well, here's the shift: if you dont give a f**k about taking responsibility for the game and rather push the responsibility for compliance all onto the players, then you actually get a better game out of it. Yeah, manage and do what you have to do to promote continuity and allow a fair contest, but if these sloots dont comply, hammer them. No, dont go Ghengis Khan on them, just deliver the message and disengage them immediately. They will want to talk back, they will want to say "But sir" (yeah, they'll call you that by habit). "Not now Ke$ha, you've got 10 minutes of tik-tok to think that one over".

As for role models and their influence on the game; look at the teacher in a similar fashion that you need to shift your mindset on yourself: he/she is no longer a teacher, but rather a coach that's pissed off. F**K THEM. Not your problem. If they want to spew filth at you, they're doing it b/c they're idiots. The authority figure goes out the window.

I particularly enjoy the remarks about "switching to netball". I get that from some of the expats (see, when you dont talk like a Tier 1 Citizen, a lot of questions get raised about your actual refereeing ability) who think that whatever they were doing would be ok back home. That's b/c the referee back home is a blind f**k. You got me today. Unfortunately for you, I dont lower my standards to your bullsh!t, Dickbag.

It's a sad reflection of me being part of the Facebook generation, but I instantly wanted to "like" this. Agree with all of it.

 

[Adam]

It's a sad reflection of me being part of the Facebook generation, but I instantly wanted to "like" this. Agree with all of it.

Me too.

Apparently we get this privilege in the new forum.

 

[Robert Burns]

You do!

Soon.

 

[Dickie E]

You do!

Soon.

I'm curious how this will be an enhancement.