iPad stuff . . .
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
This morning I woke up with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
She's 21, comes from Thailand and her name's Lucy.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face... Now I'm a believer!
I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. The Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night as a volunteer helper at the Salvation Army soup kitchen.
All I said was, "Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!"
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your sodding Tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?" I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken please. She replied, "You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!"
I was sitting in a restaurant the other evening when I got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouted, "That's just for starters!"