Dixie has got it spot on IMHO.
I've spent a while getting into the style that works for me and it has taken some time and lots of heartache along the way. I have a friend who was a former Premiership Ref and we meet for a bite to eat now and again. He said that he always felt that it was the way in which you handled people and dealt with things and then manner in which you conducted yourself with the players which was remembered long after the bad decision that lost them the game. He said that after retiring someone said to him "You weren't the most accurate, but you were the best" and that comment I think speaks volumes.
There are tales in my society of an old ref who was so officious on the field that no one ever spoke to him. They said he was ALWAYS technically right in law and you couldn't argue with him. He even red carded a player in the bar afterwards once (this was a long time ago). But he was HATED. And I think that is really critical news for us all. It is a totally different thing to get on the pitch and blow your whistle in a schoolmasterly way and issue instructions. Do that and people don't buy in to you at all. Getting the balance of discipline and humour right is a real art and it can in some ways be learned.
I don't believe I have all the answers for one minute, but I know that I am oustandingly approachable and happy to chat and take comments from players in the right manner. But, for me it works well if I say at the outset that all chat must come through the captain. This strict "rule for me" works, when it is forgotten then we can go to "Tell" and then "Penalise" and once players know that you will follow through with things they invariably comply. My survey results after the matches show this clearly and often with good humour. It is probably a personality thing, my work involves dealing with the general public and has been for over 30 years. When I was very, very young (19) I was shovelled into a massively reponsible position where I was managing a huge number of people in very stressful situations and it helped me "crack my balls" if you will pardon the phrase. It has always stood me in good stead.
To conclude I have made some outstandingly bad errors refereeing, but always recovered to put it in the learning box and carried on.